


i'm addicted to hurting (and i've got these lungs)

by toomanyships_notenoughtime



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Blood, Death, Depression, Hanahaki Disease, Hyunjin centric, I will add tags as I go, M/M, Tattoos, Unrequited Love, a n g s t, descriptions of illness and injury, did someone order a depsspresso, kinda graphic, like wow, wedding angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-07-16 03:07:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16077071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toomanyships_notenoughtime/pseuds/toomanyships_notenoughtime
Summary: he hates himhe fucking hates himhe must, there's no way he still thinks of himthere's no way he loves himnot like he want's him toorhyunjin loves someone who loves another, and it kills him





	1. grow thicker skin (because boy, you're gonna bleed)

**Author's Note:**

> welp this is wild
> 
> i dunno if this is just gonna be a one shot or like a multi chapter thing and this is the prologue but im just gonna put this out and see what happens ???

“Hey Jinnie? I need to talk to you about **something**.”

As soon as those hesitant words left his roommates lips, Hyunjin knew he was not going to like what came after.

“Yeah sure, hyung.” He threw his phone onto his bed and sat up to face a surprisingly nervous Changbin standing in the doorway to his room. The older male fiddled with his sleeves. Hyunjin patted the space next to him on his bed and Changbin took a few careful steps before sitting down, drawing his knees up to his chest and resting his feet on the edge of the bed.

Everything about the scene screamed awkward. Despite being almost lifelong friends, Hyunjin had two serious talks with his roommate, one when Changbin came out to him when he was thirteen and Hyunjin was twelve, and the other four years later when Hyunjin experienced his first break up. Now they had been swept up in the waves of adult life and barely had the time to greet eachother in the morning, let alone talk about their feelings.

Hyunjin had no idea what the other wanted to say to him. Had **he** done something wrong recently?

They sat quietly for a few minutes before he broke the silence.

“So, are you okay?”

Changbin jumped slightly at his words. “Yeah uh, I just wanted some help because…” He seemed reluctant to finish the sentence. Taking a deep breath, he spoke again.

“You know the new guy at work… Felix?"

Hyunjin nodded slowly. The older male took a deep breath.

"Well, he asked if he could take me out for dinner on Friday.”

**Oh**.

Hyunjin was not expecting that.

He was also not expecting the dull **ache** forming in his chest.

His lips drew a tight smile.

“Hyung’s gonna get some!”

“Oh my god I knew I shouldn’t have told you,” Changbin groaned at the youngers words, hiding his flushed face in his knees.

Hyunjin forced himself to laugh at his roommate’s suffering.

_That **hurt**._

He barely remembered the rest of their conversation, the words he choked out through the worsening pain in his chest.

_What is happening?_

They both ended up lying on Hyunjin’s bed staring at the glow in the dark stars on his ceiling.

“Hey,” Hyunjin murmured softly.

“Yeah?”

 The older turned his head, and all further words escaped him. 

  _When did Changbin get this beautiful?_

“I’m happy for you, man.”

The smile that stretched across Changbin’s face was ethereal.

And suddenly, _Hyunjin couldn’t **breathe**._


	2. there's a ghost in my lungs (and it sighs in my sleep)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hyunjin gets a letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so heres chapter two!!  
> ive decided to keep going with this woop
> 
> idk how long its gonna be but i have a basic idea of how things are gonna work  
> i wont be able to have a very frequent upload schedule coz its exam year so im gonna aim for once every two weeks 
> 
> anyways i hope you enjoy!

Hyunjin hated the smell of cigarettes.

Which is kind of ironic, considering he worked in a tattoo studio in Las Vegas, but there wasn't really anything he could do about that.

The next customer walked through the rusty door, that hideous smell rolled off his clothing in suffocating waves, stifling the small reception of the shop.

Ah, yes.

 _That’s_ why Hyunjin hated cigarettes.

His breath caught in his throat, and an irony taste filled his mouth as he cleared it to speak to the tall man stood before him.

“Welcome to Black Lotus Tattoos, do you have an appointment?”

He directed the man through the door left of the desk and returned to his desk chair, reaching a shaking hand to grasp the metal bin sitting by his desk.

Violent coughs shook his body, his throat burning as specks of blood painted the dark bottom of the bin. He hunched over and it became locked in the iron grip of his hands that barely masked their tremble. After what felt like hours a single petal fell from his lips and floated almost mockingly towards the red splatters, soaking up the liquid that stains it red.

He hadn’t seen those petals in years.

Bringing a shaking hand to wipe the corners of his mouth, Hyunjin glanced at the clock on his desk. 8.46 pm. He sighed, placing the bin back on the ground, and stretched, before standing. Dots clouded his vision. He rested a hand on his desk as he forced himself to breathe. In and out. His breathing his haggard, rough, too heavy to be normal after simply standing up.

In and out.

After his vision cleared he grabbed his bag from its place on the floor and made his way to one of the doors. He opened it, revealing a young man lying on one of the benches being tattooed by a blue haired woman.

“Lisa, I’m leaving,” he called over his shoulder. He barely caught an overly cheery “See you later!” from the woman before the door slammed shut behind him.

He trudged out of the store, his heavy footsteps resonating as they hit the concrete pavement of the alleyway. It wasn’t not that late, but the winter air still bit at his cheeks as he wandered towards the bus stop on the adjacent road. He stuffed his hands in the pockets of his worn leather jacket and quickened his pace. He was going to be late.

The bus journey was uneventful. He accidentally stepped on some rich guys shiny new shoes as he tried to find a space in the crowded vehicle and spent the rest of the journey pretending he didn’t speak English when the guy demanded he provides compensation.

He gets off just as the guy decided that getting in his face is a good idea. Stood a few meters away from the bus stop is a large apartment block. The darkening sky did nothing to help the dark stone it’s made of look any homelier.

He made his way up the creaking staircase and ended up standing outside the door for apartment 143. He slid the rusty key into the lock and twisted it, pushing the door open with his shoulder to reveal the place he called home.

Each of the three rooms were in similar states of disarray. The kitchen looked like no one had cleaned it in months (looking back, Hyunjin couldn’t remember when he last cleaned anything in the house). A layer of grime coated the windows and all of the surfaces, dyeing the room a dull grey colour. The lone table in the centre of the kitchen had a book stuck under one of its legs to keep it upright, and its only chair was old and rusty, it looked ready so fold under the weight of the next person to sit in it. The bin was overflowing with paper, mostly discarded tattoo designs, its contents spilling onto the ground beside it and littering the little floor space there was. Most of the floor was still occupied by moving boxes, despite the fact that Hyunjin had moved into the apartment three years ago.

On the floor by box filled with childhood memories were three letters, two in official looking envelopes (probably containing overdue bills he couldn’t afford to pay), and one in an ivory envelope with handwriting that seemed familiar for some reason.

Hyunjin frowned at the letter. The cursive writing of his mane looked oddly ominous. Pocketing it he wove his way between boxes to reach the bedroom. The door let out an ominous creak as he pushed it open to reveal the small room where he slept.

Directly across from where he stood, next to the unmade bed, stood a, in hindsight badly placed, mirror, cracked and dusty, but his reflection still stood boldly in its centre.

He still resembled the tall and lanky teen he was all those years ago, yet he was much slimmer, his cheekbones were sharper as he had lost the baby fat that had clung to them, but his cheeks were hollow after one too many missed meals. Ink crawled its way up his neck and through the ends of his sleeves, weaving dark striking patterns on his sickly pale skin. The bags under his eyes were heavy, like the enormous weight slumping his shoulders and pulling down the corners of his lips into an expressionless frown.

And his eyes.

Hyunjin felt like he was staring at a stranger.

His warm brown eyes had turned cold, holding so many things he would never breathe a word of, but they were so empty.

His eyes held nothing but death.

A sudden sharp ringing shattered the silence.

Hyunjin shook his head and looked up through his damp eyes (when did he start crying?) to see his laptop screen lit up and angry, flashing blue light dancing burlily across his vision. He rubbed his eyes vigorously. _Get it together_. Looking up once more he saw a Skype call coming to its end.

_3 Missed Calls from Dr Know it All_

Cringing at the name he clicks ‘ _call back_ ’.

“I swear to God Hwang, I don’t care if I’m your only friend but if you keep being late to our appointments I will fly to Las Vegas and strangle you, because my lunch breaks don’t last forever and I wanna go buy ramen from Minnie’s before I get tied to an operating table.”

“Hello to you to Minho,” Hyunjin chuckles.

Skype loaded a crackling video of a young mock-scowling man wearing a white lab coat and sitting at a small desk in a doctor’s office. The scowl fell, and a warm grin overtook Minho’s features. Hyunjin felt his first smile of the day grace his lips. Minho was the only person who Hyunjin had kept in contact with after he left Seoul three years ago. The then twenty-one-year-old had been a receptionist at the hospital Hyunjin visited and the two became fast friends during the long waiting hours, and they arranged unofficial check-ups during Minho’s lunch hours. He had since begun his research into the very disease that landed Hyunjin in the hospital in the first place.

“How’s life in Vegas today?” Minho asked.

 “Same as always.”

Minho scoffed at Hyunjin’s less than enthusiastic tone. “Come on, I’m really bored, and I need my daily dose of entertainment before Dr Kang comes to drag me back to work.”

“You’re so whiny oh my god.”

A small laugh bubbled up Hyunjin’s throat, followed by several harsh coughs. Minho frowned in concern as his friend turned to the bin beside his bed and coughed into it for a few minutes. When he resurfaced, Hyunjin spotted three small petals lying amongst his trashed designs.

“I thought they’d stopped.”

Hyunjin looked up to see that the blood had drained from Minho’s face.

“Me too.” His voice was scratchy as it left his throat. “I... There was one this morning too.”

“Shit.” Minho cursed under his breath. “He hasn’t called you, has he?”

Hyunjin shook his head.

“Shit.” Minho ran his hands through his hair. “I’ll be right back.”

He got up from his desk and hurried out of frame, leaving Hyunjin alone with his thoughts.

Hyunjin wasn’t that worried by the flowers. No normal person would be coughing up petals, but then again, Hyunjin’s lungs weren’t normal. And even if they did eventually come back in full force to kill him, who cares? No one else would. Except maybe Minho, but he had a whole other life in a whole other country. He’d move on eventually.

Hyunjin sighed and leaned back in his chair, and he suddenly remembered what he had in his pocket. The strangely fancy letter that he’d found in his doorway. Drawing it out of his pocket he turned it over in his hands, trying to remember where he’d seen that handwriting before, but nothing came up. He decided to open it and see if its contents would jog any memories.

Two pieces of paper fell out onto his palm. One folded, one a small square of embellished card.

The first line of text on the card made his heart stop.

“Okay, so I couldn’t find anything in my notes about sudden resurfacing of sympt-- Hyunjin?”

Hyunjin hadn’t noticed Minho’s return. The other frowned at his frozen expression. Then his eyes fell to what the younger held in his hand, and the concern in his was replaced with confusion. “What’s that?”

Hyunjin’s eyes rose to meet Minho’s through the screen. Something inside them had broken, a light switch had been turned off behind his dark irises, a candle had gone out.

 

 

_You are cordially invited to the wedding of_

_Seo Changbin_

_And_

_Lee Felix_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp there u go
> 
> i couldnt resist including minho already wow so far this story is literally just my bias and my bias wrecker oops
> 
> if u have any questions or opinions pls comment and i will do my best to answer them 
> 
> thanks for reading!!
> 
> Chapter title is a from I’m not calling you a liar by Florence and the machine

**Author's Note:**

> wow i tried
> 
> so, series worthy or nah?
> 
> its kinda just another hanihaki au but i wanted to give it a go
> 
> -
> 
> work title is a lyric from drugs by eden
> 
> chapter title is almost a lyric from if i met myself again from everybodys talking about jamie


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